I know that typically my Wednesday's are "wordless", but today I just feel an inner stirring of discontentment and words are needed for me to sort through it.
As some of you (family and friends) may know we have decided to stay in Southern CA. This was a big decision and an enormous leap of faith on my part.
If you know me personally, you know that I can be controlling and have always envisioned my life going my way (which rarely happens, hence this blog...my record of letting go of control and letting God direct my paths). This is an ongoing struggle for me. I am independent, strong, willful and stubborn, which I had always viewed as definite strengths - and at times they are - but these characteristics have also been the cause of stumbling and hard lessons learned.
For the past two years, maybe more, I have been learning to be led.
This was a new concept for me (and believe me, still so difficult). About a year into learning to be led I was encouraged by a
book, which I had ignored to read a few years prior to moving to SD at a pivotal point in my marriage. A time when we were both losing and in danger of massive failure. By God's mercy, we ended up in SD, immediately began attending a healthy church, made some great friends and started anew. I finally got around to reading
this book last year, and it completely changed my view of why I was created and for whom I was to serve. It took my liberal, contemporary views of wifehood and scrambled them into an almost unrecognizable version of who Alison was created to be.
I was far from it.
And I longed for it.
I began on a journey of servitude towards my husband and God that I never dared embark on before (vulnerability is not my forte). And yes, I have failed more times that I can mention. But I continued on and purposed to be the Godly wife I was created to be. Much of that meant surrendering my will and learning to trust and follow my husband.
Over the past few years I have been tested in this area like never before.
{Back to staying in Southern CA.}
I have been wanting to move back home (Central CA) since we've been in Southern CA. I talked about it daily. I got in touch with a realtor there so that I was in on the real estate happenings when it came time to buy a home. I inadvertently brainwashed Emma into saying things like, "I can't wait to move back to..." and, "its so much more fun in...".
So you understand that it was no secret what my plans were.
Mark, however, was under tremendous pressure to find a good job back home in this terrible economy when he had a perfectly good job offered to him here in SD that he was excited about.
I continued to press on with what I wanted. I continued to discourage him.
I'm not sure how or when it happened but the Lord spoke to my heart and made me realize (I actually think it was at Bible study a couple of weeks ago) that I serve and honor Him when I serve and honor my husband. Even if that means that I don't get what I want (or what I think I want).
I prayed about it... and I mean on-my-knees-prayed about it (you know its REALLY serious when that happens) and finally came to Mark with what was on my heart. I basically gave it over to him. I told him that he was placed as the head of our family for a reason and I trust him to make the best decision for our family.
He was (visibly) relieved. And he decided. And I literally watched the stress fall from his shoulder's as he told me that he really felt it was best for us to stay. (He was going to forego it all to move us back home because he wants me to be happy more than anything.)
And I was humbled. Thank you Lord for your provision over my life by giving me this man.
Oddly enough, I felt relieved too. Not because a decision had been made, but because I had allowed him to do what he was called to do: Lead.
So now a whole new slew of stress has entered our lives as we prepare to really establish ourselves here and I'm trying to process it all. Our largest source of stress: buying a house. Although it is a great time to buy, houses down here are still expensive (especially on one income, I will probably have to return to wedding planning...thats a whole separate post); there is a lot of competition by other prospective buyers and multiple bids on one property.
*sigh*
I am feeling overwhelmed by that and the other things happening this year: foster care, Mark transitioning from one job to another, me (probably) starting to work part-time again, homeschooling Emma, leading the Orphans Care Team we started last year at our church, in addition to many other things we are involved in.
If you think of it, please lift us up in prayer during this hectic time.
I know that my worries and my stress are small compared to others who are struggling with sickness, the death of a loved one, losing homes or jobs and I almost feel guilty bringing my worries before God. But I know that He cares about the details and for this I am so thankful.
-Alison
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